The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success
by Ldihawk
Summary: A selfhelp book for Imperial Officers how to get ahead and stay alive!
1. Chapter 1

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter 1: Exciting Careers

Congratulations! Purchasing this book indicates that you've made the wise decision to join the Empire! If you're not a servant of the Empire, I suggest you put this book down immediately and report yourself to the nearest stormtrooper! If you have in fact pledged your allegiance to Palpatine, then here are a few of the exciting careers that await you!

Imperial Navy: Far above the mess of ground combat is the Imperial Navy boasting a fleet of thousands. If you're an ace pilot with ambition or a cultured ex-Beaureaucrat that doesn't question orders then this is the place for you! Whether its piloting a tie-fighter, a gunnery station, or commanding the bridge of a Star Destroyer, there are options for everyone!

Stormtrooper/Ground Troops: Does deep space make you queasy? Were your entrance exam scores less than stellar? You may want to consider the rewarding life of a stormtrooper or snow trooper.Look for rebel fugitives in exotic locales. Lead ground combat missions. Stormtroopers don't live long and they aren't well paid, but you won't be under the direct supervision of Lord Vader. No experience with blasters or weapons necessary.

Imperial Intelligence Agent: Do you crave danger? Love gadgets? Then, what about a career as an Imperial spy. Travel to exotic locales and infiltrate rebel hideouts in the service of the Empire.

Chapter 2: Communicating with Your Superiors

One of the most important skills an Imperial Officer can posess is Communication. If you're a Stormtrooper, you don't need to read this. Otherwise, you could be talking to Grand Moff Tarkin, Darth Vader, or even the Enperor himself so your life may depend on knowing what to say! Perhaps the number one rule is absolutely NEVER speak to lord Vader unless you are making a report or he addresses you! Avoid talking to superiors unless you have to. When you have to speak to Darth Vader Address him as My Lord or Lord Vader. The following is a list of phrases you should avoid in the event that communication with Lord Vader is necessary:

My Lord, it appears I was wrong!

Are you sure you about that?

They(insert person here) escaped!

No, sir I don't know where the plans are.

I don't think that will work…

There is a (insert part of ship, software, ect) malfunction.

We're running a little late!

I'll get to that later!

You never told me to search there.

I'm sorry we made a mistake.

I think we should…

Do we have to…?

The following communication exercise should help you further.

Officer Dumbass: Good morning, Mr. Vader.

Lord Vader: You will address me as Lord Vader, Officer.

Officer Dumbass: Oh, sorry. I conducted the scan and didn't find anything at those coordinates. Are you sure the ones you gave me were correct?

Lord Vader: Yes, they are correct and you would do well to remember who it is you serve.

Officer Dumbass: It's just…well, the Star System is extremely large and I think searching these coordinates would be a better use of resour……(falls to the floor choking). I'm sorry. Forget I said anything.(dies).

Lord Vader: It is forgotten, Officer Dumbass.

What went wrong there? Officer Dumbass failed to address Lord Vader correctly. That was his first mistake. He then questioned Lord Vader's orders in an insulting manner and stated his own opinion. Now, let's see how Officer Obedient does?

Lord Vader: Officer Obedient, have you searched the coordinates?

Officer Obedient: Yes, My Lord. Our initial search yielded inconclusive results so I'm performing the search again.

Lord Vader: Search the entire system if you have to! The Rebel base must be found!

Officer Obedient: Yes, my Lord. It will be done at once!

So where is Officer Obedient? Still alive! He waited for Lord Vader to address him and used the proper honorific and answered questions in a factual and competent manner.

Don't be an Officer Dumbass!

Chapter 3: What to Do When Something Goes Wrong

Eventually, in the career of even the most successful officer, something will go wrong! Whether it's missing battlestation plans, escaped prisoners, or technical malfunctions, no one is immune, but a smart officer can survive. The most important thing to remember is NEVER admit fault. See that bright-eyed ensign sitting in the corner eager to please? In an emergency, he can be your best friend. The first thing to do is to find a scapegoat and who better than a lower ranking officer! If you are not at fault blame it on him! If you are at fault, blame it on him! If you are an ensign the best advice is to disappear as soon as something goes wrong. If you're not there, then they probably won't try blaming you.

If there are no ensigns available, how about your incompetent older superior. Blaming a superior is risky, but has the added benefit of a possible promotion. Here's another exercise with Officer Dumbass and Officer Obedient.

Officer Dumbass: Lord Vader, we made a severe tactical error and we have lost the rebels. I accept responsibility for the actions of my men. (starts choking)

Lord Vader: Apology accepted, Officer Dumbass.

Officer Dumbass may seem noble in his willingness to accept responsibility, but remember—he's also dead. Let's see how Officer Obedient does.

Officer Obedient: Lord Vader. Unfortunately, the rebels escaped because Officer Expendable made a tactical error.

Lord Vader: Officer Expendable you are relived of your duties.

Officer Expendable: (Chokes)

Lord Vader: Congratulations, Admiral Obedient.

Ldihawk: Thanks for reading and in advance for anyone that reviews. Coming Next: Chapters 4-6 including: The Top Ten Places to Look for Rebels and Aliens: Cute or Deadly? I hope you enjoyed it so far!


	2. Chapter 2

To the reviewers: Thank you for your wonderful feedback-Eve, darth mojo the spork, Hieiko, BlueSaber, .Sweer-KRAZY.03., and skywalking.-Sorry for the delay! I should have the next update by the end of the weekend.

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter Four: Are Aliens Cute and Cuddly or Deadly Killing Machines?

The galaxy is filled with lower lifeforms, some cute and cuddly, others gelatinous and horrific. A good soldier, particularly one in the Imperial army, never takes them for granted. There's nothing those tree-hugging freedom-touting Rebels like more than to frolic with cuddly forest creatures. These creatures may seem pathetic until they are pointing spears at you and banging rocks on your helmet! It is imperative that all ground troops be outfitted with appropriate weapons to defeat any creature from one to two hundred meters tall. Some cuddly creatures have been known to lace their villages, habitats, ect. with traps. I suggest sending a lower ranking officer ahead of your troops as a "scout." Take note of his screams as they will give you the approximate location of the first trap. The following are some creatures to watch out for:

Gungans-Blast them first and ask questions later!

Ewoks-Blast them after checking for traps!

Jawas- Blast then after extracting information!

Tusken Raiders-Blast them before they attack you!

Chapter 5: Rebels and Where to find them

Do you only get promoted when your superiors die? Do you need a way to let your superiors know you're admiral material? There's no faster way to attract attention than to capture rebels. Well, you won't find them slouching in the officer's mess, and they certainly won't walk up to you and surrender. You have to know where to look. Here are the best and some of the most overlooked places to find rebels.

Hidden rebel bases in abandoned temples or ice planets -Rebels often choose desolate worlds on the far side of the galaxy for their bases. You may think "There's nothing there on that rock!" or "No one could possibly survive out there," but that's exactly why they stay hidden! A good officer searches every corner of the galaxy including the outer rim planets!

Cantinas on backwater planets- Full of intrigue and unsavory characters, cantinas are the perfect place for covert rebel meetings. I suggest making friends with the bartenders of these establishments. They can provide information and possibly even free drinks.

Asteroid fields- They're dangerous. They're deadly. Not many people can survive them, but they are the perfect hiding place for desperate fugitives.

In the company of lower lifeforms- Rebels and local aliens form unlikely alliances obviously based on a shared intellect.

Serving in the Senate and in other Civil Service fields- Many of our politicians are in fact rebels.

Floor compartments of civilian ships- Always look under the floors of smuggling ships. There are usually hidden compartments that may be filled with cowardly rebels. You can find a whole group of rebels this way and earn an instant promotion to admiral!

Hiding with the other garbage-on top of your ship- No one ever checks their own ship. Remember, the enormous size of Star Destroyers provides ample room for a small ship to conceal itself just beyond range of scanners.

After you've found them, it is essential that you exercise caution in approaching them. Never approach them alone or unarmed. Rebels travel in groups! You could be walking into an ambush! I suggest a surprise attack with an entire squad of stormtroopers or even an Imperial walker as backup. When you address the Rebelscum use a loud commanding voice so they know you are in control! Here's another exercise with Officer Dumbass and Officer Obedient.

Officer Dumbass approaches what appears to be a single Rebel alone without drawing his gun.

Officer Dumbass: Hey, you! Stop right there!

Rebel: I don't think so.

Officer Dumbass then pulls out his blaster and aims it. What's this? About a hundred other Rebels backed by an army of forest creatures emerge from behind the trees. Officer Dumbass is surrounded and taken prisoner.

Officer Obedient completes a full scan of the area and spots the full group of rebels. He conducts a rear attack with a full trooper squadron.

Officer Obedient: Freeze and drop your weapons, Rebelscum! We have you surrounded!

The Rebels drop their weapons and fall to the floor sobbing and begging for mercy. Officer Obedient receives a promotion.


	3. Chapter 3

Ldihawk: Thanks again to everyone who read and reviewed. Thanks to the new reviewers random-idiot-v2 and Eleventh Guard! This update is only one chapter, but hopefully you'll enjoy it! Next one will be Sunday or Monday.

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter 6: Accident Prevention at Work

The life of an Imperial Officer while glorious is also perilous. There are nasty firefights, blaster injuries, weapons malfunctions and exploding space stations to contend with. If you work as a stormtrooper or directly under Lord Vader, I strongly suggest you invest in the death/dismemberment insurance policy with the optional asphyxiation and vaporization package. If you are a stormtrooper, tie fighter or a gunner, you have the benefit of already having some protection from your helmet and armor. If not, rejoice in the fact that you will never have to worry about ground combat. Always remember—you can't advance if you're dead. Fifty-percent of all accidents occur in the workplace. I've compiled a list of the most common hazards and how to avoid them.

Falling into the reactor core or other chasm—Most large ships or space stations in the Imperial navy have them—the obligatory bottomless pit. Be advised that none of these have safety rails and it's a very long drop! A good Imperial officer always stays ten feet from the edge. Reactor shafts have a bad reputation, but they can also be an excellent place to get rid of an incompetent superior. You could be just a push away from a promotion!

Those pesky doors-At least twenty troopers are injured each year from running into doorways. Remember to look up and duck!

Weapons malfunction- The last thing a soldier wants is to be injured by his own weapon, but it happens more often than you think! Always make sure that your weapons are set to stun in training and the safety turned on when not on duty. Remember not to shoot blasters in cramped spaces as beams can ricochet hitting you squarely in the chest. Also, remember not to turn on a thermal detonator until you are ready to use it then throw it as far as possible.

Friendly fire- If you are an Officer remember that stormtroopers have notoriously poor aim. When engaged in battle make sure that you are always behind rather than in front of them.

Reactor overloads and destruction- When the main reactor overloads, make sure you are no where around it. In the event that it has been breached by torpedo, ect., find the nearest escape pod and ask questions later! If the reactor is destroyed, you have approximately ten minutes to get off the ship—so move! What do you do if you are unable to escape the ship? I suggest taking a moment to reflect on your career and remember how fortunate you were to be part of the Empire. Say a prayer to whatever deity you worship and say goodbye.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you to all the reviewers. This update is really short as I have two exams tomorrow, but the next will be posted over the weekend.

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter Seven: What to Do If You're Taken Prisoner

First, do not get taken prisoner! It is generally a time-consuming, humiliating, and painful experience. Unless restraints are "your thing", fight to the last man to avoid being taken captive. In the event that there are very few of you left, get behind the remaining others to increase the chances of your survival. In the event that you fail to escape, surrender is dishonorable, but may be your only option. Your objectives in captivity are to avoid revealing tactical information and to stay alive. Remember not to lose your dignity. You are an Imperial Officer and it is improper for you to cry, whine, or beg for mercy like a six-year-old girl! They may have the guns, but show them that you are the better man. Use a commanding, superior tone of voice when talking to them at all times. I suggest using Rebelscum and Traitor when referring to them as it really irritates them. Unfortunately, Rebels are very touchy-feely individuals that will want to ask you questions like what your name is, where you live, and what your feelings are on politics. Their interrogation methods don't rely on IT-O droids or truth drugs, but they are still torture. They will try to get to know you before they ask you for tactical information. Give them rank and serial number anything else is a betrayal to the empire. So what do you do in the rare instance that your rebel captors are losing patience and thinking of injuring or killing you? There's nothing the feeble little rebels like more than a good sob story. This one works well for the instance when you are asked why you joined the Empire.

I joined the Empire when I lost my(wife, small child, farm, baby animal). When that happened I was(in horrible pain, destroyed, emotionally crippled, confused.) I just wanted to (get enough money for an operation, make a difference, save lives, escape persecution). The galaxy is a (rough, unforgiving, dangerous, confusing) place and I feel so (empty, tired, hopeless, contrite, lost). I know you understand as we (have both suffered, are really not so different). I (never wanted to join the empire, am a good person inside, also love furry animals) any combination of the suggested phrases should work. Be advised this is only for emergencies as it requires tremendous acting talent!

Once they're feeling sorry for you, you can use their compassion against them. Offer to perform a menial task like carrying firewood or tending to the wound you inflicted on a soldier. Once you've shown them that you can be trusted, start formulating an escape plan. The secret is to be alone with the leader. Tell them you have something to show them. When their guard is down, take their weapon and force them to escort you back to your troops.


	5. Chapter 5

Ldihawk: Thank you again to the fantastic readers and reviewers! Here's another short update. I'll try to get another one up before the end of the weekend on a better topic!

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter Eight: Dressing for Success

Your uniform is one of the most important and often ignored parts of your service. Your outward appearance sends a message to your superiors and the outside world. What does yours say about you? Many new recruits find themselves longing for a change from the grey dress fatigues and white trooper armor. When off-duty, you might try a black or charcoal tunic or even a red tunic. (If you are one of those men that fancies pastel pinks or cornflower blue, chances are you were weeded out much earlier). If you feel the need to embellish your uniform—Don't! An Imperial Officer always wears his dress uniform pressed and belted. Your cap should sit upright on your head—only Officer Dumbass wears his cap tilted! Your boots should be spotless—clean enough that Moff Tarkin could see his reflection in them. Wear your rank insignia at all times. You may be thinking—"I'm sure no one would notice if I gave myself an extra bar." This is unacceptable; however, should one of your superiors die in service, if promoted, it is acceptable for you to take his insignia. It's not like he really deserved it anyway. Remember—even in deep space—proper hygiene is a must! No one wants to sit next to a stormtrooper while he's baking in his armor after tromping through the desert all day. Your demeanor should at all times appear superior, confident, and cold. While laughing in malignant glee is appropriate on select occasions, giggling or smiling at crew members will get you a trip to the infirmary for a psychiatric evaluation. If possible ensure that your features are sharply chiseled and pale and your cheeks are hollow. As a general rule, the less physically fit officers don't live very long, so use Grand Moff Tarkin as your model!

Chapter 9: Hobbies or Is there life Outside the Empire?

Before you start collecting Heroes of the Alliance holos or take up Alderannian ballroom dancing—think! You will have very little free time, so you want to make sure you make it count! Your hobby should be enjoyable but should also promote you as a powerful servant of the empire. Here are some suggestions.

Start an ecclectic collection of primitive art.

Start a collection of doomsday devices.

Rebuild Imperial starfighters.

Take up an archaic form of combat.

Debunk the cherished heroes of small children.

Censor threatening manuscripts.

Become an expert on tax law.

Hunt small furry creatures for sport.

Plot destruction of surrounding star systems.

Invent new superweapons.

Take elocution lessons.

Here are a list of hobbies only Officer Dumbass would take up.

Play a rare stringed instrument.

Sing.

Volunteer at the Imperial Home for Unfortunates.

Collect vintage toys.

Learn regional dances.

Write about feelings in a journal.

Learn to cook.

Write children's books.

Garden.

Make any item of clothing.


	6. Chapter 6

Ldihawk: Thank you for continuing to read and review! Thanks to darth-mojo for suggesting the tie fighter idea! I hope you like it! I mayrepost this chapter as I'm not thrilled with it. Feel free to make chapter suggestions--more to come!

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter Ten: Piloting a Tie Fighter

If you've passed the rigorous screening process to become a Twin ion engine pilot, congratulations! You'll have to have excellent aim, lightning fast reflexes, and courage. If you lack these, then a little common sense is all that can save you. First, make sure you are wearing your pressurized suit and oxygen mask at all times to prevent blackouts. Pay close attention to your gauges. Make sure your ship is fueled before missions and not missing any critical parts. Remember—Flashing Red lights are never a good thing! When in the cockpit, try to have several other pilots between you and the enemy. If you fly cover, it greatly increases the chance you'll stay alive. First, never underestimate the enemy based on age or physical description. Some of the youngest, greenest Rebels have single-handedly destroyed battlestations. Try to ensure that you keep the enemy in front of you at all times. Don't bother with fancy maneuvers or disabling the ship first! If you have a clear shot for the sake of the Emperor just take the damn shot! Try to hit the rear stabilizers, the reverse thrusters, or the engines. If you can't do that, take out the weapons and the shields. If you are hit, pull out of the fight immediately. Spinning maneuvers work well for evading enemy fire. If your ship is critically hit, I suggest jettisoning. Be aware that you should eject from your ship only when your ship's major systems are failing and there is a nearby vessel to rescue you. Let's revisit Officer Dumbass and Officer Obedient with the following.

Officer Dumbass flies near the front of his group after a single rebel ship. He executes a series of complicated flips and turns and fires a shot. The shot skims past the wing inflicting minor damage. Behind Officer Dumbass, his other squadron members are picked off one by one by Rebel reinforcements. Officer Dumbass is too concerned with his target to notice. He fires another shot that glances the other wing, but before he can destroy the ship, his ship is hit the first time. He is losing altitude and would like to eject, but his oxygen hose is incompletely sealed. That really doesn't matter; however, because Officer Dumbass is vaporized in a matter of seconds.

Officer Obedient flies near the rear of his squadron. As other pilots are destroyed trailing a Rebel, he is vigilant knowing there are many more coming. He covers the other pilots taking out rebels as they appear until he is the only one following the Rebel leader. He waits to shoot until he has a clear shot at the ships engines and in a matter of seconds, the Rebel ship is destroyed.

Chapter Eleven: Working on the Bridge without actually working on the Bridge

As a bridge officer, you will handle missions that are top secret and vital to the Empire. The reality is that a great deal of your time will be spent doing nothing. The key is to appear to be doing something very important at all times. (This is especially important when Lord Vader is around). The key is to patrol the bridge slowly making your way from one side to the other. If you are a superior officer, glance with great interest at the work the lower ranking officers are doing. Occasionally ask a pointed question such as "Are those readouts correct?" or "What is our position?" Your eyes will probably glaze over as the officer recites a stream of techno-babble. After he's finished, tell him "Carry on."

If you're a lower ranking officer, push buttons, and pull levers on your displays and consoles when a superior walks by. Most of the higher ranking officers have only an elementary knowledge of the technical intricacies of their ships, so if they see you "working" at your console, they won't question you. You also have less chance of being asked to perform dangerous tasks.


	7. Chapter 7

Ldihawk: Once again, thank you to everyone who's read and reviewed! This is a short update, but I should have another by the end of the weekend provided writer's block doesn't set in. AlsoI have ashameless plug. If you're bored check out Eyes the Color of Night or Hiding and review ;)

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter Twelve: Speeder Bike Operation and Maintenance

On arboreal worlds, there's nothing better than speeder bikes for high speed aerial pursuits. Speeder bikes offer greater freedom and maneuverability than AT-STs and allow the rider to experience the sensation of the wind in his hair as he careens through the air at breathtaking speeds executing acrobatic turns and aerial somersaults all the while enjoying the sights. That is what the technical guides promise. The pathetic reality is that the novide rider will spend a great deal of time applying antiseptic to scratches received from tree confounding tree branches and extracting native insects from his teeth. On some planets be warned that it is the rather large insects that will be extracting you from their teeth. Still, for those that find Imperial walkers claustrophobic, speeder bikes are the preferred form of transport. Although interesting to look at, Speeder bikes are notorious for their tendency to run out of fuel; crash into trees, buildings, and pedestrians; and spontaneously combust in the middle of high speed pursuits. Here are some guidelines to help make your speeder experience safe and productive.

Wear your helmet-Besides preserving your anonymity, your helmet can save your life in the likely event that you are knocked, dragged, pushed or forced to jump from your speeder. For many units, your uniform isn't complete without it, anyway.

Make sure to refuel frequently-There's nothing more embarrassing than cornering a Rebel and suddenly having your speeder stall and drop from the air so make sure to fill up at the base.

Fly casual-don't perform any acrobatics when approaching the enemy. Keep thrusters on a lower setting. If the enemy sees you or hears your bike too early, you could be shot in a most embarrassing manner by a lone rebel. One shot to the exhaust port, rear stabilizers, or fuel tank is all it takes.

Look out! When flying in an arboreal environment make sure to keep your eyes directed in front of you. Would you look behind you during the Coruscant rush hour? No! Stay focused at all times. Watch for trees, rocks, and Rebels.

Fly above or below the canopy to avoid crashes. If you're heading for a tree or other obstacle, pull up quickly. If you can, fly under or over it! Jump from your bike only as a last resort and make sure there are no gorges or large rocks in your way.

If a Rebel or any living creature that is not Imperial tries to remove you from your bike, shoot them on site! If you hesitate, a rebel could be riding your bike home.

Fly with a buddy. Flying solo is like wearing a sign that says "Here I am out here alone. Shoot me!" Your buddy can also help divert the fire from you and if you send him in front of you, he can keep you from flying into traps.

If you need repairs, I advise consulting a mechanic as most manuals read like Huttese love sonnets transcribed into Bocce. Here's a particularly absorbing passage.

_To access the weapons control panel, slide security hatch one-alpha three inches to the right. Disconnect the vermillion wire from the slot labeled altitude located parallel to the rear exhaust port and perpendicular to the communications port. Using a type two-Lambda vibroblade, reconnect the vermillion wire to the auxiliary port labeled Aux1-Beta located underneath the rear stabilizers after toggling the navigational sensor from standby to off….."_


	8. Chapter 8

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

I don't own Star Wars, ect., ad nauseum. Don't sue me--I don't have any money that I don't have to pay back in four years! Thank you very much to anyone who reads and special thanks to reviewers. I'm sorry it's been so long and I hope you will still read and review. I've been really busy with exams right now andbereft of ideas.Let me know what you think--Ldihawk.

Chapter 13: Imperial Life and Family

If you are one of the unattached officers, consider yourself fortunate! If you have a family back home my first suggestion is to make sure they are located in a safe area far away from the fighting preferably somewhere remote so they won't be targeted in the event that you make a large enough mistake. They will want to ask you about your job and there are times when you may feel the urge to share details with them. This is unacceptable for two reasons: 1. Sharing Imperial Secrets is a violation of Security Protocols and punishable by death and 2. Imperial transmissions and holos are monitored. I recommend keeping your transmissions short and to the point. Remember to choose your words wisely. Take a look at this deceptively simple letter from a young ensign.

Dearest Mother,

I have recently been promoted and am working on the bridge of a Star Destroyer. I am so fortunate to serve our glorious Empire. The Rebels are on the run and I feel that I am part of something truly important. How are Father and my little brother, Steven? I trust you are enjoying the pleasant weather at home. There is nothing at all out of the ordinary to report and I am well. I received your transmission last week and was excited to learn that Steven is thinking of joining the Empire! Two officers in one family—imagine! I look forward as always to your next message.

Your devoted son,

John

The ensign is using an elementary code to communicate a message to his family. I suggest you develop your own code to convey any messages that might otherwise place you in danger. What the ensign's message actually says is this:

Dearest Mother,

I have recently been promoted and am working on the Bridge of a Star Destroyer. I am fortunate to be alive as I received my promotion when my superior died suddenly. How will I survive under Lord Vader's Command? Help me! Please, if there is anything you can do to get me off this ship let me know! My junior officer keeps suggesting that I should inspect the airlock and I havea sinking feeling he may be trying to kill me. I have to get out of here at all costs!

I hope that this letter won't be my last,

John

If you are thinking of starting a family of your own—Don't. Family tends to complicate matters. If you already have a family, I'm sure your sons will make fine servants of the empire. Having a family poses many many problems. For example, what do you do if you're son confesses to you that he's a rebel sympathizer? First, make sure he is locked up preferably in a basement or closet where he cannot be seen. Then, dismiss it to neighbors and coworkers as a phase or post-adolescent rebellion. If the case is severe enough, consider sending him to live with relatives on a distant planet. What if your teenage daughter decides to date a rebel? I suggest taking the young man out for a drink and discussing things in a civilized manner with a nice long blaster between the two of you. You can turn him in and make it appear that his capture was all part of your well-orchestrated plan. If you have to vaporize him, so much the better.


	9. Chapter 9

This chapter is a little short--I may add more before the weekend is through. Thanks again for the reviews and for reading!

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter Thirteen: Guide to Weapons and Equipment

As an Imperial Officer you will be issued standard issue Blastec blasters and other weapons depending on your position. It is of the utmost importance that you operate them correctly and safely to avoid any unfortunate malfunctions. I've provided a list of common weapons with helpful safety guidelines.

Blaster-The blaster is the most common, user-friendly, and universally used weapons. They come in various models, qualities, and brands. The preferred brand is Blastec. Many officers report feeling inadequate facing the enemy with the enemy with their standard issue blasters, but be assured that all sizes and calibers work equally well in battle. If you're a stormtrooper, don't rely solely on a blaster as the odds of you successfully hitting a target are six million fifty seven to one. To avoid embarrassing incidents, make sure the blaster is set on stun when pursuing rebels wanted alive.

Thermal detonator-There's no better weapon for causing mass destruction in ground combat than the thermal detonator. In inexperienced hands, it is extremely dangerous! Do not activate the device until you are ready to use it and make sure you throw it far away from where you are standing. Thermal detonators may be deactivated but only before they've been thrown. Once you've thrown the device—run! I suggest assuming a crouched position with hands over your head to protect you from debris.

Binders-Binders are the most common form of restraint for prisoners, but only if they are put on correctly. Make sure they are securely fastened at all times and do not loosen them or remove them under any circumstances. Be advised that standard issue binders will not fit certain species including Hutts, Wookies, Toydarians—basically anything not human.

Here are some weapons that are more exotic that you might consider adding to your personal collection

Toxic darts-A bit more theatrical than blasters and a bit neater than thermal detonators, toxic darts are for the man that wants to send a message to his adversaries.

IT-O Torture Droids-As a lower ranking officer, you'll neversee the IT-O droid. (If you encounter it in your service, then you obviously have bigger problems than this text can solve.) You may want to consider adding one to your own collection as it is an excellent motivator and convinces the most hardened criminals to tell you everything you want to know while providing a source of entertainment on slower days.

Mysterious deadly insects/serpents-Why not employ a natural solution? A deadly and hideous creature is an excellent alternative.Make sure to store in an appropriate secure location.


	10. Chapter 10

Ldihawk: Thank you again to all the readers and reviewers! After much delay, the Imp Guide is up again! I'm winding down on ideas, but as long as there is interest, I'll keep updating! Enjoy!

The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)

Chapter Fourteen: Away Missions—How to Arrive Alive!

After many months in the darkest recesses of deep space, many officers find themselves longing to escape the confines of their officers quarters taste adventure. Unfortunately, a small number go completely mad and find themselves sitting in their cabins, curled in a fetal position, talking to mouse droids and long-dead uncles. Many a cadet after spending his first year of service will whine, "But I wanted to see the galaxy." Well, an away mission is the perfect opportunity! There are some things you need to know to be a savvy and safe traveler. First, if you are a low-level ensign, don't volunteer for away mission and if you are ordered to go, I suggest checking into the medical bay. It is a well-known fact that ensigns, while easy to please, are also extremely expendable! Did you notice that after each away mission, there is a new ensign serving on the bridge? If you go on these missions as an ensign, you do so at great peril as you are likely to be scorched by a krayt dragon, speared by an Ewok, eaten by a gelatinous blob-monster, or carried off as the bride of a rather corpulent local sorceress. In the event that your team's lives are threatened, your commander may use you as a human shield, a human sacrifice to appease local Gods, or a bartering tool. If you are a higher ranking officer, volunteer away! Make sure you research the planet before you go! You could end up on a tropical paradise, but you could also end up in a frigid hellhole. Remember, before you go there are many forms to be filled out and you will have to submit to a routine physical and immunizations. If at all possible, familiarize yourself with local taboos, and common phrases to avoid embarrassing incidents. Here's an example of a common faux pas made by Officer Dumbass.

Officer Dumbass: Greetings, local denizen!

Local Denizen(a rather large tentacled biped): Allock sitara noin del tata.

Officer Dumbass: I will speak your language. Atnas atana ita reit'nar dan sta.

Local Denizen(Beginning to get agitated): Atara! Yamaz reita. The local denizen pulls a gun and Officer Dumbass is forced to run for his life.

What the officer thought he said was: I am enjoying the hospitality of your fine planet. Have you seen any rebel activity? What he actually said was: I spit on your adulterous mother's grave and curse your offspring! Remember, when in doubt, keep quiet—and make sure to have your blaster ready when approaching natives. You never know who might be a rebel.

Next, avoid gambling and drinking establishments, especially those that involve Hutts. Just say no to deathsticks unless you plan to spend the rest of your career roaming around the spaceport talking to yourself.

Finally and most importantly, don't fraternize with the locals. This includes dating! It may be tempting considering the scarcity of available women in the Imperial Navy to date locals while on away missions and shore leave, but this process is strongly prohibited!


End file.
